closure

19-nov-2011. it was after a hiatus of 3-3.5 years. i couldn't believe i had hung up so long. had not expected myself and realized until i came face to face with 'truth'.

i had lost hope and was out in my worst. the cream benetton over sized short skirt, the blue striped tee. was waiting at icici as instructed and thinking how to react when we'd meet! things don't work out as you plan - do they~ i stood there frozen, and my heart shed a tear. still the same. a white checked shirt and a dark blue denim. adidas simple white and blue shoes. and with the prettiest fingers. we greet each other with a hi, though wanting to move a little further an give a light hug, but not happening! touched my cheeks lightly and says - you still look the same! you too!

i now recall words of upendra giri - the training for pmi will bring a change in your lives. everything in life is a project which has a beginning and a definite end. all successful projects need to go through the project life cycle phases for a successful 'completion'. we generally tend to initiate, plan, execute, monitor and control and then throw in the towel. closure remains; leaving us all restless and incomplete. even if the project was not successful, you must must ensure that the project is closed, with the lessons learnt and only then move on. but we don't do a proper closure, don't find it important enough. and that is what makes it most difficult to move on; that is making it most difficult to move on... would you ever understand? i know now, it is for this reason i have not been able to move on - i chicken out every time there is a topic on commitment. i need closure. but it seems now it is already too late for one!

certain defects were not fixed; deferred and rejected. they have become a part of the system now. no hot fixes, no new deployments seem to effect them anymore.

emotional atyachaar...

like every bugger on this planet i also looked forward to catch the episodes of "emotional atyachaar". even i would have a good laugh about the couples' misery. see them cry their heart out on being cheated by their only hopes in life, their loved ones, their best friends.

life comes back full swing. and hits you on the exact same spot where you had left a scar for someone else.

adversity

adversity- every heartbreak, every downfall, every failure, every loss, teaches you how to handle another of its kind, better in future. i do not understand why i fail to take the lesson.

men...

men - cannot live with them, cannot live without them..

the saying no more holds good for the fairer sex. you can live with them or without them. with the kind of liberalization our country gets to see today, it's a spectacle that we do not have to be with them to feel complete any more. who would understand you better than some one of your own sex. not that i speak for or against homo sexual relationships, but i completely understand the dire need. at the end of the day a guy needs a guy to talk his heart out, be it the emotional turmoil (on rare occasions) or the sexual fantasies and a girl needs a girl only for her g-talks, her g-spots, the depths, the lengths, the age, the wrinkles, the neighbor, the sex, the babies, the family, the husbands and the men;). someone who knows exactly where to touch and where not to. who knows exactly what will do the magic. and who better than someone who feels just the way you do. there is just no replacement...

... except for few lucky (straight) couples who are friends first and then lovers and can talk just about anything under the sun!

will i find one?

all i have known is if you do happen to find that one good friend, no matter how he looks, no matter what he does, no matter what the length - don't let him go. there is really no replacement.

why we lie...

there have been some sensible text messages doing the rounds these days. i had been trying to find the answer to the question - why we lie. my perspective was we lie when we are wrong. we lie to cover up for it. that remains the root cause. there could be other reasons on the upper layer, you don't want to hurt someone.. you don't want them to find out for whatever reasons. the one reason that i didn't think of was that probably the beholder did not deserve to know the truth! interesting isn't it? and quite true too. people at some point in life learn to lie because everyone does not deserve to know the truth!

the most desirables

what makes a thing most desirable? i realized it's the fact that you can't have it in the first place! funny. and the desire of owning or achieving the object is most often directly proportion to the level of difficulty of acquiring it.

valentine's day

i saw 'valentine's day' today - the movie. after 'love actually', this was the probably the second movie filled with so much of love, everywhere, love of all kinds, kinds we all wish to go through someday. there were heartbreaks, people falling in love, people falling out of love, lies, betrayals, acceptance, realizations - all. it again made realize how love is beyond certain physical aspects. it's all about how that person makes you feel. it's about not just loving someone for things that are easy to like about them but also love them for things that are not so easy to like about them.

the guy asked his friend - how did you make your marriage work? the friend replies - i married my best friend!

the wife confesses to her husband how she had cheated on him and regrets. and yet he was the only one she had always loved. 'some truth make everything else feel like a lie..' - having said that the husband walks away.

why is it that we never ever realize the importance of something when you have it around you - all the time? why is it so difficult? why do we take things and people, honest, lovely people for granted? why do we regret all of it later? why is it not easy to just 'let go'? why is it difficult to love back people who genuinely love you? why does one have to love a two and two falls for three? whey do we most hurt the people we love most? why isn't life just like a movie, a lovely Cinderella movie, where you only have happy endings, where the hero always wins and the guy and the girl meet where you can dance and sing when you happy and cry shamelessly when you sad. where you could have retakes and just fix things like it was fixing your make-up?

couldn't there be a better signal when you found that one for you? and not just let him go away --- fighting your paws out

i wanna grow old with you....

The time we spent apart will make our this feeling grow stronger.

But it hurt so bad I can't take it any longer

I wanna grow old with you

I wanna die lying in your arms

I wanna grow old with you

I wanna be looking in your eyes

I wanna be there for you

Sharing everything you do

I wanna grow old with you

----Westlife

zindagi na milegi dobara....

....Indeed! How often do we realize this and let the thought just pass over? Think about it - just one life, one life time. You never know what's in tomorrow. We aren't quite living life that ways - at the edge, enjoying, realizing, breathing every moment. I once mentioned, breathing has become a habit for for us. You don't even realize now that you are breathing every moment and the importance of each breadth. It's only when you fall short of breadth do you realize how much it means! We humans generally do that and pretty good at it - treat the most important things in our lives with the least priority, especially when you get it for free and unasked for - be it the breadth or a loved one (well these days it also pays to get love and loved ones.. but generally talking!).

'Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara' was a movie after eons where I was smiling throughout - literally! The entire 2.5 hours and it didn't hurt either with my lips that ways for so long. It was indeed a 'low-calorie' movie. It had everything a typical bollywood movie has/should have- all emotions, drama, but nothing was stretched too much. It was kept just right, so tasted yum. It's like you don't realize the taste of salt until it's either less or too much! And when it's just right, you don't have to complain, because it's prefect - you just enjoy it!

Be it Farhan's poetry in the back drop, the lump in his throat when he confronts his father, or Hrithik singing, or the climax copy from "Hitch" - it was all simply fun. (Kehte hain tabhi - "nakal ke liye bhi akal chahiye"!). I sat till THE END and didn't mind sitting for the next show too. But they weren't generous enough;).

A few other things I realized (again) - men are indeed from Mars and women from Venus! We are all together different species and it is indeed very difficult to understand the other. I still don't know why, with the power of communication in us - but it seems difficult, very difficult.

Second of all - life is about living in the moment. You do not know what future holds in for you. Today is all it is. Live as if you are going to die tomorrow. Make someones day, make someone smile - that is how contagious your happiness should be! How many times do we say this to ourselves and then just forget it!

Life is about moving on. If you are stuck, life won't stop for you. You are ruining it for yourself. If nothing works - get a Fastrack - and Move On! :)

No point earning all those dollars if you don't have time to spend it, or people to spend it with. No point if all you do with that hard earned money is spend it on your shrink.

Everything happens for a reason and a good one. The 'good' part often follows very late, but it does. The realization might be very late too, but it does delve in some point if time. And the day it dons, start afresh right then. It's never TOO late.

It is hard to 'let go', but not something that cannot be achieved. We humans are capable of much more than we even realize. It's all in the human mind. Try experimenting. (Dunno how many of us have seen 'The Break Up')

I received a text message a few days ago - it seemed funny, but couldn't be any truer..

Why relationships don't work, or why there are differences/clashes -

Women watch love stories all the time and that's how they expect life to be (all rosy rosy, lovey-dovey).

Men watch porn all the time and that's how they expect life to be (just ohh's and ahh's) :). Who's to blame? No one!

There was another very good bollywood movie I had watched - 'Saathiya'. It was about growing up in love and how things indeed change/have to change for the good. And why just in love, that's all life is about! But who loves change?? Anyone??!!

vestigial feelings...

vestigial (adv.): Occurring or persisting as a rudimentary or degenerate structure.

Appendix is a vestigial organ.

Like the vestigial organs are the vestigial feelings. Feelings persisting as rudimentary structures within us. Of no use but will still be there, taking up space inside your body, adding useless weight, cause pain intermittently. And when there is inflammation of the vermiform appendix, it causes appendicitis - pain, suffering.

Vestigial feelings too, are nothing but feelings that we don't let off go, within us - for good or bad. Making us feel heavy, restricting us from moving ahead with life in a normal way, and wonder what the inflammation will cause!

At least they can operate appendix, unsure how they could do that with the vestigial feelings! Got to be an easy way out.

forever just expired....

I have started to understand the "generation gap" now - it finally makes sense. Not that I disagree to how things are changing - change being the only thing constant. But I do sometimes feel that I belong to the stone age. No regrets though! I am happy - happy about where I belong to.

Wasn't it fun "waiting"? Every second actually counted! Once you were expected to meet someone at a particular venue at a particular time, you had to be there on time. There were rare occasions that a delay could be notified. It's no more like that. Devil is just a phone call away now! Snarling traffic, project deadlines - they've ruined it all. everything else has taken a back seat.

You can no more complain about "waiting forever"!!. Forever too got an expiration date!

december is here again....

December has arrived

With the new year peeping

Just round the corner

I lay in retrospect

Had some thoughts

And some memories it brought

Should I be happy and gay

Or be dull and dismay

For yet another year passes...

It was all there; yet again

Some gains some losses

Some bears and some bulls

Some hits some misses

Some friends some foes

Some highs and some lows

Should I be happy and gay

Or be dull and dismay

For yet another year passes...

Met wonderful old friends

And made a few new

I guess that was something

I could talk about to you

Broke some strings

To find my wings

It did hurt and pain

Which I hope not to let go in vain

Should I be happy and gay

Or be dull and dismay

For yet another year passes...

counting what counts....

Everything that counts, can't really be counted..

How true... ! Off lately all I have been counting is days to the weekend or days to my next official holiday. But could we ever count how we feel, how we make others feel; who matter to us, could we count faith, memories, pain, trust, happiness, anger?

Imagine someone saying you - '... I love you a 100kgs!' or '... I am 100watts angry!' You'd then prepare yourself accordingly. I would! On second thoughts now - I guess life would be easier that ways - dah? If you had everything in numbers, making decisions would probably be easier - like mathematics where 2+2 has to be 4, like picking dishes from the menu card (which have their respective prices mentioned and that does help us decide at one point - we'd all agree!). But nah, it's science - all chemistry and biology and psychology.

We could measure everything that mattererd. But that's not how it is or rather how it is supposed to be. But why? Wouldn't life would be much simpler that ways and then the humans wouldn't have much to use their brains in this regards! I remember it crossed my mind once - how good it would be if we have a feelings meter - to measure things that count, like you have thermometers for body temperature, we'd have other kinds of equipments to measure the pain or anguish or love or disgust of one - for another. The meter would be customized to change colors depending on what the person was going through. We wouldn't have to think 'kya soch raha hai, kya sochega'. We'd know instantly.

gone are the days...

Gone are the days when winters were pleasant

For the rich, poor or the peasant...

Though the days are still short

And we got longer hours to snort

But who wants them now

With the chilling days

And the freaking cold nights in a row

We can no more bask in the sun

For most of the times there isn’t one

That shines and glistens

But no one listens

Gone are the days when winters were pleasant

For the rich, poor or the peasant

It’s gloomy and dull

Putting its victims to lull

But they say it’s romantic

Though all it makes me is frantic

What they fail to understand

It’s just not sweet to snuggle

When all that goes inside is a big struggle

Fighting with the cold

And with the clothes multifold

Gone are the days when winters were pleasant

For the rich, poor or the peasant

I wish to live and breathe

Without the tattering teeth

Or the unending sheath

That unfailingly lies beneath

I wish to play and have fun

In the morning shinning sun

I hate this weather change

Arrives leaving me all estrange

Gone are the days when winters were pleasant

For the rich, poor or the peasant

O Dear God

I pray to thee

That the winters skedaddle

Coz it seems like a saddle

The weigh I can’t bear

And it’s making me impair

So please listen to my prayer

Coz it’s causing me sheer despair

Gone are the days when winters were pleasant

For the rich, poor or the peasant...

ten things i hate about you...

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

... and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all...

--- Ten Things I Hate About You (The Movie)

perennial peeves

i am not very well

feels like the coronary artery swell

and the cardiac veins won't perform well

air won't pump

seems like there's a lump

didn't sleep all night

not that it is that a big fight

but with this going on

would be difficult to stick

it was biannual

that dry dust and the leaves

gave me these grieves

but here i am

and they my perennial peeves

noise...

i needs a purpose in life.. can anyone of u give me one?

as if i have none?

strange would it sound,

actually too many hounds

that confuse

and disturb

but only if i knew

which ones matter the most

to write it down

and give it a thought...

i needs a purpose in life

or maybe i already have one?

waiting to be realised

just need that little push

to open the door fling

will i fly

or fall apart?

will have to try

i needs a purpose in life

as if i have none?

let me think again,

why everything goes in vain

leaving me in pain

shattered, in shreds

its time to rethink

or maybe just set my priorities right

the years were long...

The years were long

Yet it just came along

I don't even remember why

And what I intended to imply

That all the search began

From Sussie to Sussane

Amidst the endless flock

You were just a few blocks

Did not take long to recognize

Though all I could see were the endless blue skies

I was reluctant and loathe

But there were no oaths

To never meet again

Or act with disdain

Though it took me a while

To move out of my isle

Meet up with friends

And break all past trends

I tried too see

How you had changed

And I, all estranged

The softness seemed to have gone

But that charm you still don

The years were long

Yet it just came along...

Make my friends day...

It's 20mts past 10 by the zoo zoo clock lay.

I was wondering: How do I start my day?

Updating pending tasks from my previous day?

Adding days tasks to goal plan today?

Well, then I thought,

Let's try and make my friends day!

It was an uneventful day yesterday,

I undertand and it's not just to say,

It's the same plight everywhere

All I ask: Is it wrong to crave?

To ask for and expect,

Few kind words of respect

To make us feel the best.

Only if they knew,

That is "just" what drove us,

Giving us the adrenaline rush.

Could life be any easier made?

In a date where your pets eat canned food

What more could you ask for dude?

And we put in all our best,

Even today,

When all that prevails in the name of success,

Is nothing but nepotism and bluff.

Thou hear me do.

A request for you.

A place for myself,

Carved I wish.

Extra cash is always a smack,

But all we thrive on,

Is a pat on the back.

... with time

he was trying - trying to get in touch

not a net frenzy or a geek

yet he'd come

to check if she

by any chance

had cared to sneak

but there was no reply

it had been a few weeks

but there was no reply

the happy lad, then became sad

like you probably can't laugh

over the same joke

over and over again

you also can't be sad

about the same misery

over and over again

you get over it.. with time

he had started to believe

life was not about waiting

for the storm to pass

not to let go things in vain

but about learning to dance

dance in the rain

and he did learn to tap

with a litte more

of salsa and jazz

not caring anymore

why there was no reply

he did get over it... with time

CHKDSK

Looks familiar? My lappy gave me this message today on boot. I was with Dell for sometime and knew this somehow wasn't a very good sign for the health of ones computer. I had although never bothered to sit and read what all it does when it performs a check disk -- but I did today. I let the check disk happen and then sat and read through what it displayed. Weirdly enough, it surprised me because I had never thought about it earlier -- how could I have missed it. Come on - even the computer has its own ways of healing itself before it crashes down on you. It's a sign. Even 'it' was built such that it gives itself a chance. The CHKDSK process will actually check the file systems and status of the system in the hard drive and then lists the errors and corrects them!! Awesome. Now I know what exactly goes into those risk registers and risk responses!

There's always a sign before something finally falls on you. It just does not happen LIKE THAT. And 99% of the times, there is a clairvoyance. We all know. Saying that we generally miss out on them - would be kind of incorrect. We don't want to see the signs, assuming ignorance would be bliss! But what we fail to understand is that this will not prevent what is eventually in store. But can we not prevent it with our actions? It's all about your deeds - ain't it? The delay might give us the extended lifeline -- if we actually work towards it - which we don't, I don't! On second thoughts - what is wrong about it. If I can do my bit to save it? If I know my computer's giving me signs of it not being in the clean bill of health, I know I need to take some actions to ensure no mishaps. Worrying doesn't solve problems.

You got to take the signs,